He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
