i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
