Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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