did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My underwear smells like fireworks.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
