went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
