dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
