i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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