dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
