Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
