You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
