new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
