I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
