Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
