What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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