did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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