I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
