Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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