Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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