Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So vagazzling was a success
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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