I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
