he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
