I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
