saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
