1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
