I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
