We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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