allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
