Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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