my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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