I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
