I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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