At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
