At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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