Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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