don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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