Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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