"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
