we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
