R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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