Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
