the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
