"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
