His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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