Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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