Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
