i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
