look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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