Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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