You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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