Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
