My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
