3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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